Can we be just friends?
Having friends of the opposite gender helps children learn how to socialise properly from a young age, says Dr Lim Boon Leng, a psychiatrist from Dr BL Lim Centre for Psychological Wellness. Interactions with the opposite gender helps children appreciate gender differences and gain respect for one another. Incidentally, sexual urges and attraction as well as romantic interests — such as crushes and infatuations — can occur with the onset of puberty. But that doesn’t have to come at the cost of their friendship.
There are occasions when precious and valuable friendships were destroyed because someone has confessed their interest in being more than just friends. When socialising with friends of any gender and in any context and settings, it is important to set healthy emotional and physical boundaries. Create some rules for interaction with friends to ensure that friends remain in the ‘friend zone’.
Here are some suggestions:
- Respond to teasing firmly
When friends of opposite genders hang out together, it is easy to be teased by others. Simply tell those who find great interest in ‘shipping’ people together firmly that, “No, she’s/he’s just my friend.” Ignoring what others say may also prevent the situation from escalating. However, unavoidably, the teasing can cause a certain level of awkwardness between friends. Hence, it is important to communicate with each other if both parties want to remain friends despite what others are saying.
- Set emotional and physical boundaries
Be clear about maintaining the platonic nature of the friendship you enjoy with your friends. Initial admiration can slowly progress into romantic feelings. It is generally not recommended for teenagers below 16 to be involved in a romantic relationship because of how emotionally overwhelming it can get. For personal safety, it is best to avoid oversharing friends from the opposite gender and avoid situations where physical intimacy can happen. Avoid sitting too close, friendly hugs, holding hands, and also ‘harmless flirting’ even though it may “mean nothing” to you. Feelings can be hard to control.
- Think no further than friends
It is normal to wonder what it would be like if a best friend who truly understands you and spends so much time with you become a boyfriend/girlfriend. However, it is important to note that when friendships become relationships, people behave differently. If you find yourself in a group where there are many couples and you feel the pressure to “couple up”, it will be wise to leave the group. You may chat with your parents, form teachers, or school counsellors on how to manage that situation.
How does an unhealthy relationship look like?
A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It’s not!
Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us or get the wrong ideas of how relationships are supposed to work from movies. For example, someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.
Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn’t yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship.
Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who’s been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it’s not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.
Warning signs
When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it’s a sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:
- get angry when I don’t drop everything for him or her?
- criticize the way I look or dress, and say I’ll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
- keep me from seeing friends or from talking to other guys or girls?
- want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
- ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
- try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?
These aren’t the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it’s time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what’s going on and make sure you’re safe.
It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything they don’t want to do.
Relationships can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings (occasional heartaches are sometimes unavoidable) when both partners are at the stage where they are ready for long-term commitment and marriage. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, remember that it’s good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you’re still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.
Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others.
Reasons to remain single for now. It’s ok to wait.
- Focus on loving yourself first and on your own growth.
Ever heard about how it’s hard for someone to love you when you don’t love yourself? It’s a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Jealousy can happen very easily when people are insecure. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t there to make you feel good about yourself. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don’t take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else’s happiness.
Ever notice that some teen relationships don’t last very long? It’s no wonder — you’re both still growing and changing every day. You might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change.
- Unreasonable demands and expectations by your partner
What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much attention, time and energy from you? There are personal boundaries that you should observe but in relationships, you may find it hard to reject for the fear of breaking up. However, if the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it’s a healthy match for you. Someone who’s not happy and confident may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.
- It is just too much to handle.
Your energy is limited and it is already allocated to studies, CCAs, other school commitments and home responsibilities (Have you cleaned up your room?!). Intense relationships can be very draining for teens especially when your priority is to focus on your own developing feelings and responsibilities. You don’t have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else’s feelings and needs in a close relationship.
Don’t worry if you’re just not ready yet. Take all the time you need until you feel that you are ready to commit long-term. Having more ‘exes’ doesn’t mean that you will have more successful relationships in the future. In fact, past hurtful relationships can cause more emotional baggage that can prevent you from fully experiencing the joys of a healthy relationship or marriage.
What do you think are necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship?
Sources:
- https://kidshealth.org/PrimaryChildrens/en/teens/healthy-relationship.html?WT.ac=t-ra
- https://www.smartparents.sg/child/social-life-skills/5-tips-help-junior-build-healthy-boy-girl-friendships
6 Stages of Having a Crush
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpkP6BZIFDE (5.51 mins)
Teen Voices: Friendships and Boundaries
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjzGxLq1Dqs (5.04 mins)
